What Do You Get the Billionaires Who Have Everything?

He can't really smile ... he has no cheese knife

Evidently, a $120 cheese knife. At least if you don't want to shell out $8,500 for a porcelain fruit basket or, if like me, you feel for Trump that he doesn't already have a cheese knife. Sure, $120 is a lot of money to spend on a cheese knife -- not everyone can afford that, but I would think he could have saved up for one by now. Or have asked for one on one of his previous wedding registeries. Maybe he did but no one bought one. He might have even insisted on asking for a cheese knife on both previous wedding registeries but both Ivana and Marla might have managed to get the cheese knives in the post-divorce division of assets. I can only hope they didn't lie about liking cheese; that would be so wrong. On the other hand, who doesn't like cheese?

In any event, Trump lacks a cheese knife. Maybe he has been unable to divide his cheese into smaller portions, leading to his self-publicized recent efforts to lose weight prior to his upcoming nuptials on January 22nd. Perhaps part of this self-deprivation has involved going entirely without cheese, which might help explain why Trump was so very grumpy last season. It's good that he intends to go back to cheese again, and a happier Trump can only improve The Apprentice.

The question remains: if all you need is love, why do Donald and Melania so want a $4,000 sterling-silver coffee server and an $8,500 porcelain fruit basket? It's slightly amusing, as Trump's over-the-top, bad-taste, self-glorifying style always has been. However, Trump could have turned his wedding into an even bigger opportunity for self-promotion while avoiding such a blatant display of greed and bad taste, which, let's face it, is so 80s. Why not create a charity wedding registry, seeking donations to one or more charities? Let people celebrate your marriage by helping feed and shelter needy people or animals. Or raise funds for stem cell research. Or, here's a timely cause Trump might have heard something about: tsunami relief.

Plenty of other couples do charity wedding registries, but if Trump did one, as far as he was concerned it would be the first. He could publicize it a ton! Even more than he's been gloating about all the things he and Melania are getting for free or at discounted prices for the wedding . For instance, there's the catering:

The chef will whip up, and pick up the tab for, filet mignon with green peppercorn sauce (steamed shrimp for the calorie-conscious) for some 500 guests. With a typical prix fixe dinner at Jean-Georges hitting $87 (without wine), that's a comp worth some $43,000.

They've saved so many thousands of dollars, can't they afford to show a little generosity toward others? Never mind that many people have already bought their gifts; it would seem churlish to complain. In fact, those folks would probably give the happy couple their presents and give something to the desingated charity. Melania could change her explanation for her lack of bouquet from saying she "doesn't want to distract from the dress" to saying the money that would have gone to a bouquet went to a charity. Which of course is what they should do with the money.

But if they really did a charity wedding registry, I'd forgive them if they actually spent the bouquet dough on a cheese knife.