The Amazing Race 5 Epsiode 2 Recap: Last Tango in Buenos Aires: Alison and Donny's Race Goes to the Dogs

The Amazing Race 5 - Episode 2 Recap and Commentary
by: Trill42 of unscripted.tv

Posted: August 11, 2004

Episode Title: It Turned Ugly Just Now

Original Airdate: July 13, 2004

CBS Website: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/amazing_race5/

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Previously, on the Amazing Race, eleven teams set out on a Race around the world for a million bucks. They had to lug huge sides of beef through the streets of Uruguay, where beef is king (they are probably the ones responsible for that "Beef. It's What's for Dinner." nonsense). Some teams zoomed across zip lines eighteen stories above the ground, and then plunged down into a pool. It was not as brave as it sounds; they were on a zip line for that part too. Charla and Mirna felt snubbed by the other teams, and were angry about it. Alison and Donny fought with each other, but managed to arrive at the Pit Stop first anyway. Chip and Kim, and Kami and Karli made big mistakes but still did not screw up as badly as Dennis and Erika, who were the first ones eliminated. Ten teams remain.

IN THIS RACE AROUND THE WORLD, WHO WILL BE ELIMINATED NEXT?

At the start of the episode, we find the teams at their first Pit Stop, in Punta Ballena, Uruguay. The Racers stayed in Casa Pueblo, a homestead built on cliffs overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Phil refers to the time spent at a Pit Stop as a "mandatory rest period." Although resting may be technically mandatory, one imagines this would be difficult to enforce. And although there are opportunities to "eat, sleep, and mingle" with the other teams, these activities appear to be strictly optional. If you would prefer not to sleep with a camera in your face, you are absolutely free to remain awake during your mandatory rest time. But there is no reason to not mingle away! Let's say you're, oh, Kami or Karli, and you feel like chatting. It is not like footage of you having a friendly talk with Chip and Kim could somehow be used as wacky foreshadowing. Surely, seeing such a pleasant conversation will not later make you feel like putting your foot through your television!

Phil invites us to contemplate whether Jim's knee injury will continue to slow down his team, and whether Alison and Donny "will be able to maintain their lead, despite their bickering."

DISCO FOAM: MORE PROOF THAT URUGUAY IS MOVING UP ON THE UN'S QUALITY OF LIFE INDEX

America's Sweethearts, Alison and Donny, arrived at the Pit Stop at 12:48PM, so they leave at 12:48AM. Each team is given $136 for this leg of the race. Their clue instructs them to drive 75 miles (120.7 km) to the Shake Mega Disco in Montevideo, the capitol of Uruguay. Inflated balls painted to resemble globes will be bouncing on the dance floor. Clues are inside only some of the balls, so teams might have to pop a few globes before they can move on. Complicating the task: the dance floor is very crowded, and covered with "mountains of foam."

Alison rationalizes the volume level of her relationship with Donny thusly, "Yelling is kind of our way of communicating, and we're still getting the job done." Hey, maybe yelling louder would make them do even better. Donny might not be on board with the yelling-as-our-means-of-communicating theory, though. He has already told his girlfriend to shut up, and the leg has barely started.

Brothers Marshall and Lance head for Montevideo only three minutes behind Alison and Donny. At least they try to; their first effort takes them down a dead end. The delay just gives us more time to listen to a voiceover from Marshall. He thinks having coped with the stress of opening a restaurant will give his team an edge.

Three minutes behind Marshall and Lance, Linda and Karen tear open their clue envelope. They are ready to go at 12:54AM. They may lack Alison and Donny's noise advantage, nor have they run a restaurant together, but Linda remains confident. She boasts to us about how well she knows Karen, having known her for fifteen years. She thinks they will be a tough team. For her sake, hopefully her confidence will not be shaken when she discovers that the brothers and the twins have known their teammates even longer than fifteen years. For now, they are happy, cheering even. Ignorance truly is bliss. Oh, and they are also pleased to see the freeway sign reassuring them that they are on the way to Montevideo.

Bob tells us sooner or later the other teams will find out he and Joyce are stronger than they look. Then he asks Joyce to show her muscles. She obliges, laughing. "I mean, this lady has guns," Bob notes. Muscle-bound Joyce and her boyfriend are the fourth team to head for the Shake Mega Disco, taking off at 1:05AM.

Cousins Charla and Mirna are the next team to leave the Pit Stop. Following the trend, they leave three minutes after Bob and Joyce. "The other teams thought we were the most naive and weakest people here," Mirna stresses to us, basing this claim on … interactions with every other team that apparently ended up on the editing room floor. "Let them think it 'cause we love to surprise people, that's what we're all about." Great! Incidentally, Mirna could surprise me by not whining during this episode.

Nicole is the next racer to share her thoughts, as she and Brandon depart the Pit Stop. "I know for a fact that Brandon is the type of guy that I would want in a husband," Nicole feels compelled to tell us. "I'm just still not 100% convinced that he is that exact person." Well, if a year of long-distance dating did not convince her, participation in The Amazing Race should do it. Brandon and Nicole are on their way at 1:13AM.

Mirna takes a wrong turn down a dead-end road, but does she let it get her down? Of course she does, but look on the bright side: she is consistent. (For the record, her cheery response to this setback: "So we screwed up already.").

"Colin and I are very competitive," Christie boasts to us, yet again. "The bottom line is Colin and I want to win." Unlike, uh, every other team Christie? The bottom line also appears to have something to do with Texas, as that state's name is clearly written across the back of Christie's shorts. The very competitive Colin and Christie are the seventh team to depart the Pit Stop, at 1:27AM.

Self-proclaimed "bottom-feeders" Chip and Kim are only one minute behind Colin and Christie. Sounds like they need to try a little harder to do a little worse! Chip is excited about the next destination. "Sounds like we are going to be disco daddy dominoin'," he tells Kim. There is no indication whether she understands what he is talking about, but she does not appear to be frightened. "We know that we've done everything that you can possibly do wrong, and it's making Kim and I stronger," he tells us. Who knew Chip was a Nietzsche fan? "We are here by the grace of God, I'll tell you." Wait. Nietzsche said God is dead. This is confusing. Ah, but Chip would no doubt point out that Nietzsche didn't say that himself, he had a character say it. Okay, Chip. Not necessarily inconsistent then. You win this round, but the episode is far from over.

The twins might want in on this grace-of-God thing, because they are working with Chip and Kim on the drive to the disco. They had arrived at the Pit Stop one minute after the couple. "We love Chip and Kim," enthuses someone who looks a lot like Kami but equally like Karli. "They are good people. We get along with them." Foreshadowing alert?

Either God didn't sign off on an alliance with the twins, or someone earthbound in Uruguay slipped up; the two teams quickly lose track of each-other. Kami annoys Karli by telling her how to drive, prompting Karli to snap at her. A verbal skirmish ensues:

Karli taunts her sister, "You're perfect, I forgot."

Kami deflects the verbal joust and launches a counter-attack, "No, I'm not perfect. I'm just better."

"Not only are we each-other's best friends, but we're our worst enemies," one of the twins explains. That could be sort of convenient … maybe. "And when we fight, it's not pretty."

Jim and Marsha are the last team to leave Casa Pueblo, at 1:39AM. Jim tells us his leg is getting better every day. Marsha likes the idea of "these healthy, fast teams" being "rather embarrassed that they let a couple gimps beat them."

Meanwhile, teams are already starting to arrive at the Shake Mega Disco. The dance floor is indeed crowded with young ruffians, who ought to be home studying, not gyrating to pulsating beats designed to work them into an amorous frenzy. With all those– as Phil called them– "mountains of foam" on the floor, and more foam oozing out all the time, these hooligans could break out into the Lambada at any minute and no one would be the wiser! No wonder the Racers are in such a hurry. Panicking even. Poor Karen is screeching, although that seems to coincide with a lot of foam landing on her face; foam might freak her out. Or at least it might freak her out when it covers her eyes. Her teammate finds a ball with a clue, as do Alison and Donny. No one suggestively rubs against them in the name of a so-called "forbidden dance" or for any other reason. Yeah, yeah, the Lambada is Brazilian, not Uruguayan. Everything starts somewhere. Things spread. At least our first two teams can escape soon. They read their clues.

Teams must now drive more than 100 miles (161 km) to the ferry station in Colonial del Sacramento. They must then take a ferry to Buenos Aires, Argentina.

"That was wild in there!" Linda exclaims once she and Karen are safely ensconced in their car. "Do they have stuff like that in America?"

"Yes!" (Karen is so down with the American foam disco scene)

"Where? We don't have that in Palmdale!" Uh-oh. Linda is dissing Palmdale again.

Karen laughs. "Not in Palmdale!" Well, of course not in Palmdale! Hey, maybe a desert community can’t spare all the water it takes to create a foam-filled disco!

"Let's open one!" At least we know someone is thinking about how they would spend their prize money.

Some teams have yet to experience the foamy joy of the Shake Mega Disco. Mirna waggles her finger as Colin and Christie pass the cousins on the road to the nightspot. Colin waves as he drives by. "Nooo, you're going over 60, buddy." Good for Mirna, remembering that teams are required to obey speed limits. "You can't pass me like that, jerk!" she rants. "He's like 5 miles ahead now." Charla points out a speed limit sign, "Now it's 90." Mirna responds, "Oh, dammit. Now it's 90." She does not retract the "jerk" remark.

Marshall and Lance get their clue at the disco, and then try to get directions to the ferry station from some locals hanging around outside. Not able to speak the native tongue, the brothers are overjoyed to find someone fluent in English. "You're the man!" they tell him. However, that fellow doesn't know where the ferry station is. They leave.

"All the people there, were just, they were useless," Marshall complains to his brother once they have returned to their car. "They were useless foreigners." Marshall is really doing his part to dispel that “Ugly American” stereotype! Traveling to other countries and expecting their citizens to speak his language is one thing, but calling them “useless foreigners” is such a special touch! It is just that willingness to go the extra mile that makes Americans superior to people from other countries, especially the people who don’t even speak English.

Kim is similarly surprised not everyone in Uruguay speaks English. She yells out the window to ask someone for directions. "She looked at me like I was crazy," she pronounces, seemingly unable to understand this reaction. But at least she does not conclude that the woman is therefore useless. For some reason, Kami and Karli are more successful requesting directions in Spanish. Another driver lets the twins follow them to the Shake Mega Disco.

Nicole does not enjoy the disco daddy dominoing experience, as one of the friendly dancers (or "some idiot guy," as Nicole calls him) is a bit too friendly with her. Some men need to learn how to behave appropriately around foam-covered women. That does not include grabbing them and crushing balls painted to resemble globes between your chest and theirs.

Other people just need to learn how to behave in general. Alison and Donny are still squabbling. "If you weren't blonde, you wouldn't be so stupid," Donny tells her.

The twins, Bob and Joyce, and Colin and Christie retrieve clues from the disco without incident.

Charla and Mirna continue to search for the Shake Mega Disco. They spot a woman, who if one was to jump to conclusions based on nothing more than appearances, setting, and common sense, might assume was a prostitute. "There's a girl with a disco outfit on," Mirna observes. They pull over to harangue the woman, asking her in Spanish where the Shake Mega Disco is. Even once Charla has decided the woman looks like a prostitute, they persist in questioning her. Mirna tells her cousin, "But the prostitute would know where the disco is, wouldn't she?" If so, she has no intention if sharing that info. Maybe prostitutes are just good at keeping secrets. Mirna eventually drags Charla away from the woman, explaining, "Charla, she's really pissed that we're asking her because she has business to do."

Donny spots the route marker at the ferry station, "There it is." Shockingly, Alison initially disagrees with him. "That's not a route marker … yes, it is." Donny informs her, "I'm somewhat of a genius." Alison and her somewhat-of-a-genius boyfriend are the first to reach the ferry station, at 3:30AM. They purchase tickets for the next ferry, set to depart at 4:30AM.

Chip gleefully pops a globe-ball to get the clue inside, while a few feet away a man grabs at Kim and tries to kiss her. She shouts, "No! No, I can't have that!" As they leave, she lets Chip know it was "the most disgusting thing in the world."

Jim and Marsha have a better time at the disco, even though the foam fogs up his glasses. "I have never, ever heard of a foam club before," Jim tells his daughter. "You gots to go to Uruguay to go to a foam club." Well, you certainly won't find one in Palmdale, Jim. Not yet anyway.

Charla and Mirna whoop it up at the foam club. Charla especially seems to love her some foamy dancing fun. Sorry, Chip. I meant some disco daddy dominoin'. With foam. Maybe they could go in on Linda's pipe dream plans for a Palmdale foam club.

More teams arrive at the ferry station. Brandon hopes all the teams don't make it there in time to make the 4:30AM ferry.

Meanwhile, Charla and Mirna seek directions at a gas station; it does not go well, and Charla is getting frustrated with Mirna. Welcome to the club, Charla.

At 4:18AM every other team has presented their ticket and is just waiting for the ferry to leave. Charla and Mirna are now trying to get help from the cashier at the gas station minimart, and Charla is yelling at Mirna. When Mirna asks her to please not yell, Charla mournfully notes that, "There's only so much I can give." She thinks yelling is the primary way she can contribute?

At 4:27AM the ferry is all set to leave with everyone– almost everyone– aboard. Mirna tries to get tickets. "I don't want later. I have emergencia," she lies. The other teams hope the cousins will miss the ferry. Unluckily for them, the ferry is held for Charla and Mirna.

"My size is gonna be an advantage because most people think I can't do anything," Charla reminds us, in case anyone has forgotten her "take advantage of people thinking I'm weak" strategy.

The cousins know the others aren't thrilled to see them and they take it personally. "Everybody's upset that we're equal with them." Could be. Or, could it be, they’re just upset that all the teams are now even? If any team had missed the ferry, the other teams would have had a nice lead. Charla and Mirna might not be entirely paranoid, though. There is also the remote possibility that some of the teams do not enjoy “hanging” with them, as the kids say. That seems hard to believe, but let’s give the cousins the benefit of the doubt.

DON'T CRY FOR ME, AMERICANS – OH, YOU'RE JUST LOOKING FOR A CLUE? OKAY THEN

Once the teams arrive in Buenos Aires, Argentina, they have to locate former First Lady Evita Peron's grave, which is in Recoleta cemetery.

Donny tells a local man he and Alison are looking for Evita Peron's grave; the chap informs him that Recoleta cemetery is the place. Colin is less lucky; he is advised to head to Chacarita cemetery.

Most of the teams run out of the station, eager to catch a taxi and rush to a cemetery where they can visit a stranger's grave. Hey, we've all been there. Jim and Marsha stay behind to exchange the majority of their money, explaining that Linda and Karen told them during the ferry trip that no one in Buenos Aires will take U.S. dollars. Even as their money is being exchanged, Jim becomes suspicious, seeing that none of the other Racers are exchanging their money. "You think they screwed us?" asks Marsha. He does. Unfortunately, we did not see what happened on the ferry, and do not hear Linda and Karen's side of the story. However, interspersed throughout Jim and Marsha's ordeal are out-of-context shots of Linda and Karen cackling with glee and cheering. Ah, the magic of editing.

Brandon and Nicole luck out; they ask their taxi driver to take them to Chacarita cemetery, but also mention Evita Peron. He corrects them, helping them avoid a wild grave chase. Colin and Christie just ask their taxi driver to take them to Chacarita "muy rãpido por favor." The twins' taxi driver helps them out with a Chacarita-to-Recoleta correction. Someone who bears a striking resemblance to both Kami and Karli later explains the cemetery confusion: Recoleta is "for Evita Peron, and the other one was for her husband."

Alison and Donny look surprisingly close during their taxi ride; they are practically cuddling. "We have hustled everywhere we've gone so far," Donny notes, his mind– and heart– probably still in the Shake Mega Disco. "The hustle never ends." No, really, for most people it ended decades ago. What is it with these Racers and their love affair with disco? Just as you can't stop the music, you can't stop Donny's musings. He cautions, "Just as long as we don't make any mistakes." Just as long as that isn't foreshadowing.

Charla and Mirna arrive at Recoleta cemetery moments before Linda and Karen, giving them just enough time to beg for a ride from the driver of a large cart. Charla blows her damn whistle, and Mirna pleads, in Spanish, "Small lady. Not possible … "The driver agrees to take them. “Rãpido, rãpido," Mirna urges, and the driver obliges, ignoring the fast-approaching Linda, who shouts, in Spanish, for him to stop. She and Karen are left to walk to the grave. Mirna tells the driver she loves him.

Karen later acknowledges that "Charla and Mirna are at a great disadvantage." Linda adds, laughing, "And they're kicking our butts."

Marsha cannot resist asking, and their taxi driver confirms that yes, he does take U.S. dollars. "Damn," she says. Jim thinks Linda and Karen consider them the weakest team and "they just want to go ahead and get us out of the way." He tells his daughter, "We got screwed and we'll deal with it."

Colin and Christie arrive at Chacarita cemetery, having been screwed (probably unintentionally) by bad information. They immediately ask someone where Evita Peron's grave is. "He's saying it's not here … I think we're at the wrong cemetery," Christie concludes, demonstrating her impressive deductive reasoning.

Bob and Joyce hear the same bad news from a Chacarita guard; Joyce gasps. Chip and Kim are similarly disappointed. "This is not the right place at all," Kim remarks, leaving open the intriguing possibility that it could have been sort of the right place. Perhaps if Evita had some of her clothes buried there, they could have demanded part of a clue on some sort of a technicality. Chip and Kim proceeded to the first Pit Stop without picking up the last clue, so this sort of "outside the box" thinking would not be unprecedented for them. Outside the clue box that is.

Charla and Mirna easily reach Evita's grave first, aided by that ride, and running for the last portion. They find the clue box and read about the next task.

TOO BUSY DISCOING TO WALK YOUR DOG? HIRE AN AMERICAN TOURIST

They have reached a Detour, which, as Phil explains, is "a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons." This Detour is a choice between Perro and Tango. In Perro (Spanish for "dog"), teams try the job of dog-walking, which is very popular here. One team member walks eight dogs, while the other uses a map to find their way to three checkpoints they must reach on a 1-mile (1.6 km) route to a statue known as La Flor. The dogs are right next to the cemetery, so teams choosing Perro can start right away. In Tango, teams must travel through 1 1/2 miles (2.4 km) of traffic to reach a theater. There, they have to search from among many similar-looking-and-dressed male tango dancers to find the one pictured in their program. When handed the program, the dancer pictured in it will give a team their next clue. However, if a team guesses incorrectly, the dancer will take their program and they must leave the stage, and go get a new program that will have a different picture.

The cousins' driver has waited for them, and gives them a ride back. They choose Tango, but eying the packed streets from inside the taxi, Mirna wonders aloud whether they picked the wrong task. She's "kind of scared." Linda and Karen soon reach the grave as well. Karen says they should pick Perro because the dogs are right outside. They pick up their eight temporary new pets as comical music plays.

Alison and Donny luck out, tumbling onto a cart, and asking the driver to "Go!" He does, and even better, he takes them where they want to go. Brandon and Nicole and the brothers walked, but still get there just before Alison and Donny, and pick up their clues. Marshall and Lance decide to do Tango and leave to look for a taxi. Brandon and Nicole take Alison and Donny's cart, but the driver stops the vehicle when Donny calls for him to "Hold on, hold on!" The two couples ride back together. Brandon and Nicole decide to do Tango. Alison also wants to do Tango.

Brandon speculates that most people will pick the dogs because they were right next to the clue. "But those dogs looked like a pain," says animal lover Nicole, who might just not love dogs. Or foreign dogs. Or dogs in groups of eight.

Alison seems pretty fond of the dogs. She seems to like them a lot more than she likes her boyfriend. "Come on, guys! Come on, puppies!" she encourages them. She sounds so friendly, it is hard to believe she is Alison. Until the leashes start to get tangled up, and she starts to, well, bark, at Donny. "Donny, you need to take my bag. Donny!" He gently reminds his beloved that his attention is too focused on the map to relieve her of the bag at just this moment: "Shut up, I'm reading this!" They really are America's Sweethearts. Nay, once they may have been America's alone. Now, having traveled abroad, and due to the international fan base they must be accumulating since their first TAR appearance, they truly belong to the world. Really. Go on, world, take them. Please?

Alison continues to yell at Donny, but once he gives her a bit of direction, she turns cheerful again. The cheerfulness is mostly directed toward the dogs, but it is still a nice break from the yelling. "I got 'em going!" exclaims Alison. The perros are either responding to her cheerfulness, or they are eager to get the whole ordeal over with and get back to whatever they were doing before those TAR people stopped them on the street and promised to make them stars. Either way, they are indeed trotting along at a nice clip. Unfortunately, Donny stops then. He stares at the map. "I'm not seeing any streets, sweetie." That's right. Alison is "sweetie." She stops. The dogs do too. Dogs are such followers. Alison seethes. "Oh. My. God." She is apparently shocked that he can't figure out the map, not at being called sweet.

Charla and Mirna are the first to arrive at the theater, They get a program and look at the man pictured. "He has a goatee, he has brown eyes," Charla notes. Mirna, program in hand, runs through the aisles, while Charla dances her way toward the stage … "La la la …" The stage is dimly-lit and packed with tangoing couples. It appears that more than one of the men might have a goatee and brown eyes. Those Amazing Race producers are pretty sneaky!

Mirna thinks so too. "This is too difficult to figure out," she decides. Charla tells her to take her time, and they walk around the stage, trying to find the right man.

"Charla, it's here. Charla, it's right here," Mirna soon proclaims, seemingly referring to one of the dancers as an "it." She hands "it" her program and he takes it. "We screwed up already," Mirna mumbles. She's also unclear on the proper usage of "we." Charla didn't decide to give "it" the program and seemingly did not even see Mirna doing so, since she asks Mirna if she "gave it away." The cousins run to get another program.

Alison and Donny are not having any more success with the Perro task. She accuses him of almost running them all in the path of a bus. Karen approaches Alison, "You want to stay together? It'll be less stressful."

The twins disagree on whether to do Tango or Perro. One thinks the map looks easy, so they go with Perro.

Karen, in charge of the map, leads the way for Linda and her dogs. Their allies-for-the-moment are fighting. Again. "We're gonna lose!" Alison shrieks at Donny, who is still having map trouble and now wants to backtrack. "I hate you!" she adds.

Charla and Mirna interrupt a dancing couple to give the man their program. Success! He hands over a clue, and Mirna steps into his arms for a brief dance. Charla watches, giggling. Mirna blows her dance partner a kiss as she runs away. "Bellissimo! Bravo! Bravo!"

Mirna and Charla later explain that they take these moments to entertain themselves because of all the stress. Nonetheless, as they leave the theater, passing Brandon and Nicole on their way inside, Charla scolds Mirna, "You're in here wasting time …" Maybe she didn't think Mirna was a good dancer. Everybody's a critic.

They read their next clue. They must take a bus or taxi 70 miles (112.65 km) outside Buenos Aires, to La Invernada, a traditional Argentine ranch. They choose to go by taxi.

Nicole quickly finds the right dancer; she and Brandon are soon on their way to the ranch.

Karli is having a tough time with the dogs. The leashes are wrapped around her legs, and she starts to fall. She manages to brace herself with her hands, but she is still conveniently at dog-height for long enough for a cute, but randy black pooch to lick her ear. He might have hoped the footage would not be used or that no one would notice it was him if they did see that fleeting moment on TV. No such luck here. On the Internet, everyone knows if you're a dog.

While the sisters are lost and being pawed in the streets of Buenos Aires, the brothers are easily locating the man pictured in their program. Tango seems like a much easier Detour task. With a new clue in hand and a "Yeah baby! Yeah baby!" from Lance, the brothers are ready to head for La Invernada. They are now in third place.

Alison and Donny are still lost. He's baffled by the map, and refuses to ask for directions. She repeatedly yells at him, and the dogs have had to find ways to keep themselves entertained. "Mine keep having sex!" Alison complains, loudly. Well, they can't tango like Mirna, and having to deal with Alison and Donny puts them under a lot more stress. Give them a break.

"We didn't pass by three checkpoints!" Alison shouts. Linda (and her dogs) are still along for the trip and looking none too pleased about it. Actually, Linda's dogs seem to be in good spirits, but Linda looks tired. Karen appears as confused by the map as Donny, and apparently is similarly unwilling to ask anyone for help.

You don't have to be "sort of a genius" like Donny to understand his assessment of this task as "the worst one ever." Alison might understand his opinion but it does not sit well with her. "Well, then you know what?" she responds. "We're done!" Both teams decide Perro is too hard, and decide to do Tango.

The twins find a friendly man and ask if he has twenty minutes to help them find the checkpoints on their Perro map. No problem! They reach the first checkpoint, and are rewarded with some Spanish-language commands to use with the dogs (a card contains the translations for "stop," "hey," "let's go," and "altogether."). The twins have been speaking Spanish, but seem to appreciate the help anyway.

Alison is a bit teary-eyed as they begin their taxi trip to the theater. Her sadness does not block out the love, though. "If I see a frickin' checkpoint on this way, I'm going to flip out," she warns Donny. "It's nothing new, and you don't scare me," he responds. They trade insults. He's "so ignorant," she's "an embarrassment," he's "a loser." Can't they just agree they're both right?

Jim and Marsha choose Tango; they marvel at still being ahead of a few teams despite taking the time to trade dollars for pesos. "Don't let them through, don't let them through," Marsha requests, when she sees the moms at a crosswalk She is probably kidding.

The moms do reach the theater, where they promptly have their photo rejected. Alison and Donny guess correctly on the first try. They take a taxi, but Donny is concerned about saving money, so they ask to be dropped off at the bus station. Alison does not look happy. Okay, she looks even less happy than usual.

Bob and Joyce choose the Perro task because they both love dogs. But do they love walking eight dogs through a mile-long unfamiliar route in a foreign country?

"We love this person," Kami gushes, about the man who is escorting them to each of the checkpoints.

Jim and Marsha find immediate success at the Tango task, and choose to take a taxi to La Invernada. Colin and Christie also have no problem with Tango, and Linda and Karen finally get the next clue too.

ANYTHING ARGENTINEAN CHILDREN CAN DO, OUR RACERS CAN DO BETTER! EXCEPT RIBBON ROPING. THEY KIND OF SUCK AT THAT.

Brandon and Nicole and Charla and Mirna reach La Invernada at about the same time. The couple is impressed with how fast the cousins are. Charla and Mirna are even more impressed with themselves. Both teams read their next clue, a Roadblock: "The person who performs this task should have quick hands and quick feet." Phil spells it out: this Roadblock is based on "a game traditionally played by children on a ranch: ribbon roping. In this version of the game, team members enter the corral and attempt to remove a bandana from the neck of one of the young calves." They are not allowed to tackle or pull the animals. Once they get a bandana, they are to give it to a gaucho, who will give them their next clue.

Brandon volunteers for the task. Mirna does too, but Charla gives her second thoughts by speculating, "Quick hands … you might have to stick your hand in the cow's ass." Mirna asks Charla if she could do that instead, but Charla reminds her cousin that she doesn't have quick feet. Mirna finishes reading the instructions and heads for the corral, uttering, "Oh my God." Charla tells her to relax. Brandon enthusiastically chases after the poor calves while a fearful Mirna acts more hesitant. "They're scared of you!" Charla screeches. Not so much, but they are probably scared of Charla now.

Kami and Karli prove it is possible to complete the Perro task– as long as you find a local willing to take you to every checkpoint. Chip and Kim complete the Tango task. Both teams head for the bus station.

Alison and Donny are also now traveling by bus. Alison says they "cannot afford to make one more mistake." Donny thinks their only chance is probably "that there's a couple other teams behind us." Really, all that matters is that there is one team behind you when you reach the Pit Stop. Donny notes that they did not see any other teams at the bus station, as we see the twins and Chip and Kim arrive there.

One of the twins later talks about being in line to buy bus tickets, and seeing Chip and Kim, who decide to buy the same tickets. She describes the trip as "the most uncomfortable bus ride … because they are such good people." She adds, "However, we still need to beat them."

Bob and Joyce complete the Perro task. They are in last place, and decide to take a taxi to the ranch.

Marshall and Lance are frustrated by an unexpected delay. "We ran out of gas, and these cars take forever to fill up with natural gas," Marshall grouses.

Jim and Marsha are pleased with how well they are doing. Jim guesses they are "the comeback kids." But they remain upset at Linda and Karen. Jim feels certain the bad info about the currency "wasn't a mistake. It was obviously an unadulterated, bloody lie." Marsha looks a bit taken aback by the intensity of her dad's language. This shows us why kids need to be exposed to British television and film at an early age– so they will not be overwhelmed and flustered when, later in life, they hear the word "bloody" used in a way that has little-to-nothing to do with the bodily fluid.

Brandon and Mirna are still chasing calves at La Invernada.

"Come on, baby, just grab one!" shouts Nicole. "Grab one! Grab it!" Brandon obliges, snagging a bandana. Nicole cheers. He hands the bandana to the gaucho, and gets their next clue.

"Come on, Mirna, you can do it. You're faster!" yells Charla from the sidelines. She starts to lose her voice toward the end; fear not, the loss is only partial and temporary. Mirna finally grabs a bandana, possibly motivated by the easy target presented by a cluster of barely-moving calves. Or she might have grown weary of Charla's hoarsely-screamed words of encouragement. Finishing the task was the only way to bring the screeching to an end.

After completing the Roadblock, teams must travel 2 miles (3.22 km) by horse-drawn carriage to the next Pit Stop, La Porteña, a 150-year-old estate in the Argentine countryside. The last team to check in will be eliminated.

Nicole and Mirna are the first to reach their respective carriages. They encourage their teammates in their own slightly different ways. "Come on, baby," Nicole calls to her boyfriend. Mirna's approach is a bit more tough-love: "Charla, get your ass over here!"

"Muy rãpido? Por favor," Nicole requests of their driver. Mirna asks the same of her team's driver, but leaves out the "please." She throws in a kissy-sound for the horses, though.

Alison counts their money and informs Donny that they have enough for a cab. He tells her, "You can put this all on my shoulders as much as you want to." She denies putting all the blame on him, although she does mention that she wanted to do Tango, but because he didn't want to, she "let" him "do the Perro thing." So why is it partly Alison's fault? As she tells her boyfriend, "I was wrong because I didn't control you more." Donny responds, "You're psycho."

Brandon and Nicole are still enjoying a more companionable ride. "We're hoping we're in first place," Nicole reveals. "It looks like we are."

Charla and Mirna's carriage just barely arrives first and both teams take off on foot. "Every minute counts," Brandon tells Nicole, encouraging her to run faster. Nicole advises him to drop his bags, which should help them gain some speed. "Every minute counts, honey," echoes one of the cousins. "Every minute counts."

Brandon and Nicole arrive in first place, quickly followed by the cousins. Mirna congratulates and high-fives the couple. After hearing her team's good news from Phil, Mirna hugs him. She also pays him the ultimate compliment. No, not "Gee, your hair smells terrific." Okay, maybe the second-best compliment: "You smell much better than cow poo." At least it sounds like she said that. Phil got her so hot and bothered, she was a bit mumbly. Phil congratulates them, and shakes Charla's hand.

Nicole later comments that, "Mirna and Charla are really proving themselves to be a very competitive and tough team."

Charla shares with us that she is "determined to get to that finish line, to win the million dollars to show the world what I'm capable of." That would include tricking your cousin out of a cool half-mil if you plan on winning a million dollars, Charla. The million dollars is for the team to share. As in evenly. As in, sorry, pal, unless you know Mirna is feeling very generous, you should cut your expectations in half. As for Uncle Sam's share … let's not even go there.

The rest of the teams are still working on their tasks for this leg of the race.

Marsha handles the ribbon roping Roadblock for her team, and does a great job. Jim tells us he's "impressed with Marsha's skills. Right now, she appears to be the leader of the team, and that's okay." Especially when she's leading them to arrive in third place at the Pit Stop.

Linda is pretty impressed with Karen's skills too. "You outsmarted a cow!" she shouts, and high-fives her teammate. "That was awesome!" It's good enough to land them in fourth place. Usually people are mostly glad to hear good news from Phil, but Linda is also suspicious, shrieking, "You lie!" Karen doesn't buy it either, exclaiming "No way!"

Bob succeeds at the ribbon roping task and asks their driver to go, "Fast, please, fast. As fast as you can." I wonder if that's faster or slower than "muy rãpido." At any rate, they're team number five and mighty happy about it. Colin and Christie are team six. Christie seems pretty pleased. Colin, not so much.

"We're going to have to put an aggressive move on when it counts," Chip tells Kim, who might have been planning to suggest they "put an aggressive move on" when it wouldn't count. Besides, she has already experienced an overly aggressive move in the disco. But it’s a good thing her husband is there to help her strategize! Chip continues, "Because I don't want to sit up there running out of the bus, knocking the girl down, and all that stuff, because that's not my game." I didn't even know that was a game. It sounds difficult. It would be hard enough to run out of the bus while sitting. Why add the extra challenge of knocking "the girl" down? Plus, how would he know which one to knock down? They look the same! As if intentionally adding to that confusion, they are now wearing matching ponytails and jackets. Complicating matters further, there's just no guarantee either twin would be down with the whole violence thing. They would also have the upper hand, since the rules don't require them to sit. Yes, it's a good thing that is not Chip's game. It sounds stupid anyway, albeit no more stupid than disco daddy dominoin'.

Marshall and Lance's taxi has finally completed its slow-as-molasses natural gas refill. At last they are on their way again. "We're losing all the time that we think we were ahead of the other teams," Lance bemoans.

ARE MEXICAN STANDOFFS LEGAL IN ARGENTINA?

The twins decide to take a taxi. "Yeah, just get a taxi," Kim tells Chip. Kami spots a taxi a short distance away and heads toward it as she yells to the driver. Chip, farther behind, starts to run for the same taxi. Kami opens its right back door and gets in, saying "I'm in, I'm in, I'm in," a moment before Chip opens the left back door, and also gets in. He refuses to leave, and Kami is not budging either.

Chip says they got there at the same time and neither of them will leave because they both know how important it is. "So we're just sitting on our posts." Kami looks stressed out. She also might be wondering if "post" is a slang term for "ass." Is Chip already trying to play that girl-knocking-down game? He is sitting and he is trying to knock the girl down. Well, figuratively speaking.

Kami makes a "phone" gesture at her sister while mouthing "call," but it is unclear how quickly Karli guesses the word. Chip should pay attention; Kami knows some fun (and non-violent) ways to entertain herself while traveling. Maybe she could teach Mirna how to mime in exchange for a tango lesson.

Another taxi arrives and Chip leaves his "post" to take it (don't worry, "post" does not really mean "ass."). He tells the twins and their driver that his cab will follow them. But like his post, that plan is abandoned. "Beat that car!" Kim urges the driver. "Beat that car! Beat that car!" adds Chip (hey, Kim might have sounded like she didn't really mean it.). "That's Kami and Karli's car, and as we're going towards the route marker, I'm just really nervous," Chip explains, stammering a bit. He is still worried that they are one of the last two teams.

"It just felt like it turned really ugly just now," Karli laments, giving the episode its title. Except that it was tightened up a bit. Poor Karli; will she ever catch a break, or is she doomed to remain a victim of bullying and editing? She seems genuinely bothered, and saddened, by the incident with Chip.

Alison and Donny, however, are happy, for a change. This is largely thanks to their speedy driver. "He is cruisin'!"

Lance has a refreshingly unique attitude toward ribbon roping and really, toward the overall concept of a race: "See, I disagree with the whole running thing." Being different pays off; he snags a bandana from a calf that was slowly trotting by. The calf was probably giving him a break because he was sort of amused by his wacky "I'm in a race, but I'm anti-running" stance. "There ya go!" Marshall calls out. "What up?" Lance asks, probably hoping some calf will give something he can interpret as an answer, giving him an excuse to sit and rest a while for a chat. No such luck. They move on, and are seventh to arrive at the Pit Stop.

The twins' taxi is still ahead of Chip and Kim's, but not by much. The couple keeps reminding their driver to "Beat that car!" Chip tells him it's muy importante. As they pass Kami and Karli, one of the twins asks their driver only to, "Please keep up." Chip loudly cheers while pumping his fist. "We just passed them!" He chants their driver's name, "Eduardo! Eduardo!" Kim smiles, but remains silent per her promise to Chip that he would be the only one on their team to show much of a personality.

Kami and Karli are neither smiling nor chanting and whooping like a drunken soccer hooligan. "I was so pissed because Chip turned into a completely different person," one of the twins later explains. "I did not like Chip."

Chip and Kim arrive at La Invernada seconds before the sisters. Chip reads the "hint" portion of the Roadblock, " …person should be quick on their feet. I'll do it!" He gives Kim the clue, and she reads the rest aloud, "Okay, right in there," she says, pointing to the corral. Mr. Quick-On-His-Feet immediately starts to trip, but corrects it just as fast and is on his way. Kami is already running there too, setting the stage for a rematch of the Thrilla in Cabzilla. So far Kami seems to have the advantage. She's younger and faster– she seems to have entered the corral first … and she is already starting to corner some calves. She reaches for one, and has one hand on it … the calf is blocked on one side by a fence, and on the other side by another calf. Her other hand is on that calf too. Looking good for Kami! Only, Chip runs in front of her and grabs a bandana from the calf blocking Kami's "target" calf. Both animals run away. Chip does too; he has his bandana now. Kami is breathing heavily, and some hair has come loose from her ponytail. Karli cheers her on, "You can do it, Kami!" Kami does manage to grab a bandana before long. Karli reads the clue instructing them to travel to the Pit Stop, and says, "Let's go."

"Let's go," is also what Donny tells Alison, who spots the twins leaving the ranch. America's happiest couple has just arrived. Donny heads for the calves …

Phil tells Chip and Kim that they are team number eight. Chip looks stunned as he remarks, "Wow. Phil, you give good news a lot." He hugs Phil and tells him, "You shock me, bro." Phil looks amused and a bit shocked himself, possibly that he keeps having to hug people who smell like they've been ribbon roping.

The twins are identically attired again; could future twin teams at least wear differently-coloured sports bras? Okay, as a compromise the male twins can wear matching sports bras if they like. Twin A asks Phil to "Just tell us." "It's okay," she reassures Twin B. You just know that with the love and support of Twin A, Twin B really will get through the heartbreak of being eliminated from TAR. Good old Twin A. She was always my favourite. Sure, she is Twin B's worst enemy, but she is also her best friend. Oh, how I will miss her. Except that she hasn't been eliminated. Neither has Twin B. Whatever. Undecided on that one. They cheer at hearing the news. That they're in ninth place, not that I'm undecided about Twin B. Twin A gets a dig in at Chip, "And you know what? And we played fair." Ooh, I suspect Twin A is Kami.

Twin A or possibly Twin B, later reflecting on events, laments, "I understand that fear can bring out the worst in people. I do. I don't give Chip a break. His actions were uncalled for."

"The thing is we want to win," Chip clarifies, after he has had a bit of time to reflect on his actions that day. "My conscience is clean." Wild guess: he opted to revel in joy and pride over his remarkable victories rather than ponder questions of morality.

By now Phil has greeted every team but one so it should come as no surprise that America's Sweethearts– er, The World's Sweethearts– are last on the scene.

Even running toward Phil, the fighting continues. Don't worry; it will be over soon.

Alison pleads, "Honey, could you not get so far in front of me? You're too far in front of me."

Donny is unsympathetic. "You know what? You disappoint me severely."

As they approach Phil, Donny says, "Oh, God. I got a bad feeling."

Phil does the Philimination duties, then rubs it in, noting that, "It's got to be hard, though, I mean, going from first to last."

Alison states the obvious in a voiceover, "Donny and I haven't had the healthiest relationship ever. It's been rough."

At least they agree on that much. "Dealing with Alison was the hardest part of the race for me," Donny tells us. "On the Race, like, I hate her. I can't believe I'm here with her; I'd rather change partners than be with her. So … this race has really taught me to redefine my love for Alison."

Donny watches as Alison walks away. Poor Donny. Poor Alison. Only … they hate each-other. Sort of makes it less of a poignant moment. At least they'll always have Buenos Aires. Hopefully their memories of how miserable they made each-other there will keep them from inflicting that terror on each-other anymore. This much is certain: they are out of the running for the million bucks. We will just have to find a new team to root for now, and that is the real heartbreak this week.

Next week, Chip and Kim continue to feud with the twins. He says the twins seem innocent "but they will chop your head off." Possibly what he really means is that they are competitive. In Chip's defence, he had no reason to expect any of the other teams in the race would be competitive. Charla eats chocolate during a task and calls it "the most disgusting thing in my life." Wow, what a charmed life. After an argument at an airport, Marshall walks away from Mirna, declaring, "I hate her so much." Alright, Marshall! It promises to be an exciting episode ... sweet chocolate and bitter hatred, what more could you want?

Route Markers for Episode 2: Uruguay: Casa del Pueblo, Punta Ballena - Pit Stop #1 → Shake Mega Disco, Montevideo → Colonia del Sacramento → Argentina: Buenos Aires → Recoleta Cemetery → Detour (Perro or Tango) → La Estancia La Invernada → Roadblock (Ribbon Roping) → La Porteña, San Antonio de Areco - Pit Stop #2

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