Episode 2, or "Everything I need to know about partying I learned in college"

Yes it's true, partying does have practical applications. Like, let's say you need to get a group of motel guests so drunk that they forget they are staying in a total dive on the Jersey shore. Or as Trump might say, in "a total disaster." No, no, hold on, I'm not advocating overindulgence to succeed in business. I'll leave that to subversive advertising firms. No, alcohol and cannonballing in the pool were not the secrets of the Book Smarties' success.

So just how did Team Magna (or Team "Manga" as I like to call them now) defeat Team Net Worth? In the words of our dearly departed Obnoxious Boss, Mr. N. Paul Todd, "The weak only survive when the strong are weaker." The Streeties who previously rose so triumphantly under John's leadership fell just as far this time. And why? In a word, Brian.

Brian, Brian, Brian. I have to wonder why they would even cast such a maroon. I mean, why bother? I would rather see someone (anyone!) who is more intelligent, well-spoken, and who I could possibly fathom as being in the same room as Trump.

I must admit, that as soon as I hear any of the candidates swear excessively, that I discount their chances almost immediately. I mean, the odd curse word is understandable, but people who can't communicate without doing so in Trump's rare air should send themselves back to finishing school. Chris from Season 2, and now Brian. Please.

If Brian had any leadership skills at all, they must have been marred by the harsh truth of the camera eye. (Sorry, everyone should have more Morrissey references in their daily life to keep themselves real). And it's too bad that Trump has called so many people "a total disaster" already, because the phrase certainly applies to Brian.

Trump's business lesson for us this week was "respect comes from winning," but even through some strange twist of fate had Brian won, I doubt that I would have respected him. Business is about people, and I just don't see Brian having people skills.

So good luck Brian, it seems that your biggest challenge at the moment is the man in the mirror.

Then again, you could always party until this all goes away.

The Apprentice Keeps Trump for Two More Years

My show! Mine, mine, mine!

So, it's official. NBC Universal Television Group president Jeff Zucker delivered the news at a press conference this weekend during the Television Critics Association winter press tour:

Zucker said Donald Trump will return for two more editions of The Apprentice in the 2005-06 TV season, but he refused to answer questions about rumors that Martha Stewart will have a role in The Apprentice.

Why should she want to play second fiddle to Trump, especially when he has been giving interviews to everyone with a typewriter or a crayon, saying things like this: "Those rumors" aren't accurate," he said, "and I don't think she'd want to do it. And to be honest, part of the problem is, it will not be easy to replace me. I wouldn't want to replace me." I wouldn't want to replace myself either; it might spark some sort of existential crisis. Who needs it? Who knew Trump thought of such things?

Or maybe just maybe he's arrogant enough to think she isn't good enough to replace him, or something. If Martha Stewart isn't a big enough "name" to replace Trump, who is? Who is imbued with the special qualities necessary to appear on this unscripted drama for an average of maybe a half-hour of shared airtime a week for 15 weeks? They don't have to say much or pay any attention to how the candidates do on the tasks. That's what Carolyn and George (or the George-Substitute-of-the-Week) are there for, after all! It's a pretty cushy job, it makes Trump a lot of money, and has made him even more famous than he was. It's not hard to understand why he wants to keep the gig.

Still, there is a lot to be said for having the wisdom and class to know when it's your time to go, and for leaving before everyone really wants you gone. Wisdom and class are not necessarily traits Trump is commonly associated with, but it might have been nice if he had decided to move on to some new challenges. Better to leave 'em wanting more than to leave 'em asking, "Is he gone yet?"

As for Martha Stewart, she still has plans for a Mark Burnett-produced syndicated homemaking program and another prime time-program, described as somewhere in between The Apprentice and Martha Stewart Living. Sounds like it might be a spin-off of sorts. If it happened to do well, it might irritate Trump or he might claim credit for "paving the way" for it, but he would still find some statistic to show The Apprentice was doing better and yell it from the rooftops and talk about it to anyone with a typewriter or a crayon. This is why I had to throw away my typewriter and crayons. You can't be too careful.

Mark my words: The Apprentice 5: Left-handed People vs. Right-handed People. Once and for all, they'll aim to figure out who is better at business.

The Apprentice 3 Episode 1 Recap: A Viking Hat is Better Than a Golf Ball and a Guitar

A lucky viking hat

The Street Smarts team, a.k.a. Net Worth consists of the following people. If you saw the episode, here's some of their most notable quotes to help jog your memory as to who's who:

Angie, 41 -- "The viking hat doesn't have anything to do with our western theme but Brian, he goes, 'Oh my God, I gotta have that viking hat,' and gets the guy to give him the viking hat for free! Free!"
Audrey, 22 -- "So you're it, bud!" (agreeing that John should be PM)
Brian, 29 -- can't be limited to one quote with him! "If I don't like something you do, I will tell you to your face. If you surprise me with something in the boardroom that you did not bring to me before we get in there, buckle your chinstrap. I'm telling you right now, buckle your chinstrap." and "I used to own a dollar store, so ultimately I know the price of what these products are."
Chris, 21 -- "I don't see failure as an option."
Craig, 37 -- "I'm Craig Williams." (actually he did also say "I think Net Worth is gonna be it." He wasn't shown saying much)
John, 32 -- "The guy in the leisure suit, obviously he dances to the beat of a different drummer, and that drummer loves polyester" (about Danny)
Kristen, 31 -- "I'm not gonna sit in a circle and sing, 'Kumbaya, my Lord.' I guess that's what they did in college while we were working and making money. Maybe that's why we're worth three times as much."
Tana, 37 -- "House smells like urine, frickin' dog dander everywhere, and the damn dogs are jumpin' up on my skirt, practically ripped my pantyhose, I thought, Jiminy Christmas, let's just get out of here. Wouldn't you know it, the dog gets so excited, because my partner in crime Kristen's pettin' his ass, and he pees all over me."
Tara, 28 -- "When I found out that the net worth of my team was three times greater than the net worth of the other team, I'm feelin' pretty confident!"

Right from their first decision, the teams each had their own focus and it was borrowed from Trump. "Book Smarts" named itself Magna, putting the focus on its education. "Street Smarts" in naming itself Net Worth put the focus on its greater income ... and overcoming obstacles and such, according to what Tara told Trump ... but this group mostly seems focused on the almighty dollar. At least on a task where the goal is to sell, and earn more, a preoccupation with making money, with making more money, this gave Net Worth a practical advantage.

It probably gave them a psychological advantage as well, thanks to Trump making sure all the candidates knew very well that the "high school graduates" made more than three times as much money as the nose-in-a-book gang. When John rubbed it in by saying, "I have a suggestion, from now on, instead of refering to my group as 'high school,' could we refer to us as the wealthier of the two groups?" some of the men in "the poorer group" certainly looked a bit disgruntled. Kristen brought up her team's wealth when ridiculing the other group for singing.

Right from the get-go there's a rivalry between any two teams on The Apprentice but in this case Net Worth has already achieved a lot of success at Trump's first love: making money. He admires education, but he worships money. Sure, he fired Troy despite Troy being good at making money and not being highly educated but that was years ago and he got flack for it. And the Magna kids are not remembering Troy, they're too busy feeling inadequate.

More to the point, once they got down to business, Net Worth did a great job, and John was an excellent leader. In a refreshing change from last season (props to both teams for this), no random PM-selection! Both sides chose PMs based on actual experience, how amazing! What did John do right? What did Net Worth do right?

- John had his entire team brainstorm together and made sure everyone took turns talking and had a chance to have their ideas heard. He was open to everyone's ideas which was bound to make them feel more invested in the task. He didn't even mind giving away a trip to "the West" when the West meant Las Vegas ... even though Las Vegas really makes most people think of slot machines and Elvis Presley. Hey, a free trip is a free trip.

- Net Worth was much more professional at their meeting with the Burger King executive, and I think this shows how much more organized and prepared they were. The Burger King employees were probably more motivated and enjoyed working with Net Worth more ... though Net Worth might have been bordering on shady corporate sabotage by claiming Magna looked down on the employees due to their lack of a college education.

- Net Worth picked a promotional theme that was consistent with the product -- a western theme for a western burger (nit-picky Las Vegas exception aside). They didn't just do one thing -- like the raffle -- they also got the outfits and made the posters ... extra touches that did matter.

- John recognized the importance of promotion and sales at the cash register.

- Net Worth's cashiers were much better salespeople. That sort of pushiness would annoy me ... if I ate at fast food restaurants (fair disclosure). But it was effective, and it made George smile in a way that lit up that Burger King so I have to admire it too.

- And the ability to negotiate a sweet viking hat (let's pretend the TV camera didn't help), plus the value in "just" having a good luck viking hat cannot be ignored.

A viking hat beats a golf ball and a guitar every time. It just does.

Trump Wedding Trivia of the Day

She's yooge!

* Melania's wedding dress is "so big that the bride will sit on a stool during dinner because she won't fit into a chair." Well, Trump does think bigger is usually better, right?

What Do You Get the Billionaires Who Have Everything?

He can't really smile ... he has no cheese knife

Evidently, a $120 cheese knife. At least if you don't want to shell out $8,500 for a porcelain fruit basket or, if like me, you feel for Trump that he doesn't already have a cheese knife. Sure, $120 is a lot of money to spend on a cheese knife -- not everyone can afford that, but I would think he could have saved up for one by now. Or have asked for one on one of his previous wedding registeries. Maybe he did but no one bought one. He might have even insisted on asking for a cheese knife on both previous wedding registeries but both Ivana and Marla might have managed to get the cheese knives in the post-divorce division of assets. I can only hope they didn't lie about liking cheese; that would be so wrong. On the other hand, who doesn't like cheese?

In any event, Trump lacks a cheese knife. Maybe he has been unable to divide his cheese into smaller portions, leading to his self-publicized recent efforts to lose weight prior to his upcoming nuptials on January 22nd. Perhaps part of this self-deprivation has involved going entirely without cheese, which might help explain why Trump was so very grumpy last season. It's good that he intends to go back to cheese again, and a happier Trump can only improve The Apprentice.

The question remains: if all you need is love, why do Donald and Melania so want a $4,000 sterling-silver coffee server and an $8,500 porcelain fruit basket? It's slightly amusing, as Trump's over-the-top, bad-taste, self-glorifying style always has been. However, Trump could have turned his wedding into an even bigger opportunity for self-promotion while avoiding such a blatant display of greed and bad taste, which, let's face it, is so 80s. Why not create a charity wedding registry, seeking donations to one or more charities? Let people celebrate your marriage by helping feed and shelter needy people or animals. Or raise funds for stem cell research. Or, here's a timely cause Trump might have heard something about: tsunami relief.

Plenty of other couples do charity wedding registries, but if Trump did one, as far as he was concerned it would be the first. He could publicize it a ton! Even more than he's been gloating about all the things he and Melania are getting for free or at discounted prices for the wedding . For instance, there's the catering:

The chef will whip up, and pick up the tab for, filet mignon with green peppercorn sauce (steamed shrimp for the calorie-conscious) for some 500 guests. With a typical prix fixe dinner at Jean-Georges hitting $87 (without wine), that's a comp worth some $43,000.

They've saved so many thousands of dollars, can't they afford to show a little generosity toward others? Never mind that many people have already bought their gifts; it would seem churlish to complain. In fact, those folks would probably give the happy couple their presents and give something to the desingated charity. Melania could change her explanation for her lack of bouquet from saying she "doesn't want to distract from the dress" to saying the money that would have gone to a bouquet went to a charity. Which of course is what they should do with the money.

But if they really did a charity wedding registry, I'd forgive them if they actually spent the bouquet dough on a cheese knife.

No ... Omarosa?

The headline Events Honor Martin Luther King Jr. would ordinarily seem perfectly appropriate for this sort of article, but it seemed a little less so once I stumbled across this part...

Indiana University of Pennsylvania's African-American Cultural Center is promoting a daylong program to honor Martin Luther King Jr., including a commemorative address by Omarosa Manigault Stallworth from NBC's "The Apprentice."

I understand that it must be something of a challenge to fill a daylong program, but it's not as if they have to try to attract people to speak about someone who is generally regarded as pretty unlikeable and unethical ... someone like, say, Omarosa. She's giving a commemorative address? Are they just desperate to attract media attention and they think Omarosa is an easy way to do it? If so, that's a sad trick to pull when they're supposed to be honouring Martin Luther King Jr., isn't it? If they are genuinely interested in Omarosa's thoughts about Martin Luther King Jr. (or, for that matter anyone or anything else), why?

The unscripted Apprentice Game

The unscripted Apprentice Game is a weekly game in which players can try to predict what will happen on The Apprentice 3. Who will be fired? Who will be the Project Managers? And more importantly, is it going to be the most exciting boardroom ever?

We're now accepting players, and the first set of picks is due by Thursday, January 20th at 5:00PM EST. To play, visit the game page here for more info or sign up by sending an email to a3game[at]unscripted.tv

Hope to see you soon.

-yoti and Trill42