The Amazing Race 5 Epsiode 4 Recap: Unlucky in Race, Lucky in Love: Competition, But Not Romance, Over for Bob and Joyce in Russia

The Amazing Race 5 - Episode 4 Recap and Commentary by Trill42 of unscripted.tv
Posted: September 1, 2004

CBS Episode Title: Who Says Pageant Girls Don’t Eat?

Original Airdate: July 27, 2004
CBS Website: www.cbs.com/primetime/amazing_race5/

This Amazing Race 5 Summary can be found at: http://p206.ezboard.com/funscriptedfrm22

Please visit our message board there to discuss this and other episodes of The Amazing Race and other unscripted dramas.

Previously, on The Amazing Race, nine teams left an Argentine cattle ranch and raced to the mountains of Patagonia. Brandon and Nicole formed an alliance with Charla and Mirna, but it quickly fell apart when Nicole was caught in a lie. Charla and Mirna argued with Marshall and Lance, leading Marshall to declare his hatred for Mirna. Jim and Marsha’s belated realization that they had the wrong tickets caused them to miss an important flight. In a Detour, Teams paraglided off a mountainside. Jim and Marsha were unable to recover from missing their flight, and were eliminated from the Race. Eight teams are left.

WHO WILL BE ELIMINATED WITH NOTHING MORE THAN SOME LOVELY PARTING GIFTS TO SHOW FOR THEIR EFFORTS?

The third Pit Stop, and therefore the latest site where our teams “eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams,” is in San Carlos de Bariloche, a small Argentine town. Some people take advantage of the lovely weather by sneaking in some “lying in the sun” amongst their eating, sleeping, and mingling. Will Chip and Kim continue to suck? Will Brandon and Nicole continue to make alliances with teams they quickly screw over?

Colin and Christie depart at 3:10 AM. Christie reads their clue, “The guns of the Battleship Aurora fired the first shot of the Russian Revolution. Find it in St. Petersburg, Russia.”

Teams have to drive to town, then travel almost 20 hours by bus to Buenos Aires. Once there, they must fly over 8,000 miles (12,874 km) to St. Petersburg, Russia. Their next clue will be at the Battleship Aurora. They have $241 for this leg of the Race.

“We’re going to Russia,” Christie tells Colin, just in case he had not figured that out. She tells us that it is great to start in first place, just in case we could not have figured that out.

As Charla and Mirna leave the Pit Stop 11 minutes later, their voiceover is a complaint about the brothers. “The last leg Mirna and I had to defend ourselves because Marshall and Lance were attacking us.” This voiceover appears to be an amusing, though head-scratching homage to badly-dubbed English translations of kung fu movies. At least three different fragments, probably from both cousins, are chopped together to make a sentence. There is an obvious cut after “because,” another after “Lance,” and probably another after “were.” Was it worth constructing that particular fake sentence? Is it that clever or insightful? Nah. If the editors thought it was, surely they could have done a better chop job on it anyway. So it must be some sort of homage or inside joke, right?

Mirna then gets a voiceover to call her own, “Being a lawyer, I have to deal with despicable human beings on a constant basis.” Being a lawyer, she should be used to lawyer jokes and know better than to leave an opening like that.

Brandon and Nicole leave at 3:54 AM. Nicole tells us that “even though we are Christians and we do want to share the love of the Lord with other people, when it comes down to winning, I’m gonna want to be as ruthless as I can possibly be!” Switched from “we” to “I” there. You’re not so sure about Brandon’s ruthlessness are you, Niki?

Bob and Joyce depart the Pit Stop fourth, at 4:22 AM. Bob reminds us that he and Joyce have “already knocked off a couple strong, young teams.” He is “looking forward to knocking off a few more.”

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A BUS TICKET? COOL, HOW ABOUT ONE FOR MY TEAMMATE AS WELL, BECAUSE WE SORT OF HAVE TO TRAVEL TOGETHER, YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

Colin and Christie are the first to arrive at the Bariloche Bus Station. Colin notices an off-duty bus station employee hanging around and probably hoping some American tourists will seek his advice about bus routes. Colin approaches the man, and they converse in Spanish. Mirna soon enters the station, and moves toward the trio. The man starts to mention when the earliest bus will leave, but Mirna interrupts him in Spanish, starting to inquire whether something is possible.

“Can you not see me talking to this person right now?” Colin asks.

“I do, but I’d like to speak to him too. He’s the only person here.”

“We’ve got hours and hours, so go stand over there. Wait your turn. Or stand right there.” Colin at least hopes she will just shut up and listen. Hope springs eternal, Colin.

Mirna responds, “I’m gonna stay right here. You can do whatever the hell you want to do.” She chuckles and grins.

Colin tells us, “Mirna might possibly be the rudest person I’ve ever met in my life and I don’t want to have anything to do with her.” He shakes his head. Mirna is now the one talking to the bus station employee while Colin watches. She may be rude, but she seems to be getting what she wants.

The twins are the next to leave the Pit Stop, at 5:04 AM, nearly two hours after Colin and Christie left. In addition to sounding chopped together, their voiceover sounds like it was recorded in an echo chamber. “Running this race with a twin sister can be an obstacle because we both have the same strengths and we have no one to balance out our weaknesses.” That is so true. They should really get a third teammate to address this burden.

The moms depart at 5:15 AM. The only mystery with their voiceover is which one it is who tells us, “I would much rather start the race in first through third. I feel like we’re playing catch-up every single time.” Silly Linda or Karen! One team cannot be in “first through third” place! Each team can only take up one position, for example first place. You should know that by now! Not that you’ve ever been in first place. Maybe that wasn’t the best one to use as an example.

At least with Chip and Kim’s voiceovers, it’s easy to tell who is talking. Chip is the one who asserts that they “are so tired of being bottom-feeders. We’ve been in the bottom all three times.” And it is Kim who thinks she and Chip “need to run the perfect race.” Not really perfect, Kim. No one is perfect. Doing better than everyone else would be helpful, though. The bottom-feeders leave the Pit Stop behind at 5:17 AM.

Brandon and Nicole arrive at the bus station, followed by Bob and Joyce. Bob smilingly wishes his fellow Racers a “Good morning.” The twins reach the bus station after Bob and Joyce, but he will probably still wish them a “Good morning.” Let’s just say there are Mirnas and then there are Bobs.

At 5:34 AM, Marshall and Lance are the last to get the news about St. Petersburg. Marshall has a hunch about the weather they might encounter there, telling his brother, “Get the Winter gear out!” He tells us, “Lance and I, in our everyday work lives, we fight and scream and yell at one another. Here we’ve actually pretty much agreed on everything.”

The like-minded brothers reach the bus station before Chip and Kim, possibly because despite their protests to the contrary, Chip and Kim are truly dedicated to their bottom-feeding approach to the Race. Also, they got lost. Linda and Karen also reach the bus station before Chip and Kim, but not by much, thanks to the moms’ trying an innovative “drive in the wrong direction” route that, in the end, did not work for them.

Linda learns that everyone is waiting for the El Valle ticket counter to open. Joyce shows her the order, pointing at the teams in turn, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.” The 7 is for Linda and Karen. Chip and Kim have yet to arrive. Linda seems reassured, “Oh, we got numbers. So we’re being good.” Of course they are! Has there ever been an episode of The Amazing Race in which transportation tickets were not purchased according to the order in which people arrived at the ticket counter? I mean, really!

At 6 AM all the teams are present and accounted for, settled in to wait an hour-and-a-half until the ticket counter opens.

Colin and Christie leave the El Valle ticket area to converse with the bus station employee again. Colin poses a new question: whether the other bus company has a schedule. The man tells him that other company, Via Bariloche, has a bus that leaves three hours later than the next El Valle bus but arrives at the same time because it makes less stops. Both buses will arrive the following morning at 7:30 AM. As a bonus, the Via Bariloche bus is much more comfortable. The man explains that he did not want to mention the comfy, faster bus with that pushy, annoying woman around. Okay, he did not actually say that but just why did he stay quiet about the nicer, speedy bus when Mirna was there?

Colin and Christie plan on taking the noon Via Bariloche bus rather than the 9:30 AM El Valle bus, but they keep the newly-acquired info under wraps. To make sure the tidbit stays on the down low, they return to the El Valle ticket counter area and pretend to wait for tickets with their fellow Racers. At 7 AM Colin and Christie head to the Via Bariloche counter. Marshall sees this and mutters to his brother, “Follow Colin and shut up.” Lance obeys. The other teams chime in with their own lemming impersonations. “Let’s keep the numbers,” Bob suggests. “Yes. Keep the numbers,” Joyce calls out.

“What is this?” Chip wonders aloud. Only he and Kim remain at the old ticket counter. Coming to the belated realization that there is probably a reason every other team is now at a different location, Chip speeds thataway. Kim follows.

Mild panic sets in. Colin asks the group, “If we can buy tickets, do y’all want to just do it in the same order?” The consensus is a clear “yes.” “Same order,” agrees Linda. “Let’s not mess with that.” Her mood is cheerful despite the chaos and her team’s less-than-stellar queue status: they are #7; only Chip and Kim are behind them. Brandon and Nicole are asked to come forward because they’re #3. Bob notes that he and Joyce are #4.

“We were actually the first people here,” Mirna claims.

“Don’t talk to me,” Lance tells her sternly. He repeats it. You can tell he means it because he raises his hand in a “talk to the hand” gesture.

“Wow. Okay,” retorts Mirna. Is it really a fair fight if she uses her legal skills to make that sort of fiendishly clever counterargument?

“Are we all going to respect each-other’s order or not? Because I’m tired of being pushed back,” complains one of the twins, contributing to the momentum now building in a decidedly negative direction.

Chip senses an opportunity and seizes it. He asks what the order is.

“It’s a different line,” Lance decides. “Are we going to maintain that order throughout the whole day?” Now that is the sort of cringeworthy bring-something-to-a-ridiculous-extreme-so-you-can-argue-against-it reasoning that some lawyers engage in, failing to win themselves many fans in the process.

“If we don’t have that kind of peace, then I’ll just be up here,” declares Chip, moving directly behind Lance. Smart move, not trying to move in front of Lance.

“Chip, we know what you’re doing,” Bob tells him. “This is a big set-up … a big set-up, buddy.” Chip defiantly tells him that, regardless, he is in front of Bob.

Charla tries to bully Christie into buying tickets for her and Mirna, but Christie says she is unwilling to do them a favour.

“Have you ever done anybody in your life a favour? To do us a favour?” Mirna demands, jabbing her finger at Christie’s face.

“Yes! Are you kidding me?”

But Mirna is on a roll. “You hate us! We have God and we have ourselves and we don’t need a favour from you.” She should try telling that to ticket agents instead of telling them she and Charla have an “emergencia” and see how much luck they have.

The ticket counter opens. Eight tickets are available, and Colin buys them all. He tells us he “wanted to make sure that Mirna and Schmirna would not be on the same bus as us.” The other three pairs of tickets are given to Brandon and Nicole, the brothers, and Chip and Kim, “because they were right behind us.” Maybe there is something to this be-behind-others strategy after all. Chip and Kim might experience more success in the Race now that they have started to fine-tune their bottom-feeding approach.

“We basically have two sets of teams now,” Colin notes to some of his chosen V.I.P. ticket-holders. “The four of us … and everybody else.”

“I am so happy to not see that criminal’s face for a little while,” Mirna claims, either bravely flouting slander laws or aware of some sordid information about Colin that she has yet to share with the rest of the class. “I can’t stand criminals.”

“Hey guys, since our four teams are together, should we just research and get on the same flights?” asks Brandon. That Brandon loves being a team-player! Sort of like how Elizabeth Taylor loves being married.

A travel agent finds a route that will get Colin and his new allies to St. Petersburg at 6 PM. There is one pair of tickets available on an earlier flight. Lance and Marshall think Colin and Christie should have those tickets; after all, they bought all of them the bus tickets. No one objects.

At 9:30 AM the snubbed teams board the El Valle bus. Colin’s chosen people leave at noon on the more comfortable express bus.

At 7:52 AM the following day, the El Valle bus arrives in Buenos Aires. The moms, Bob and Joyce, Charla and Mirna, and the twins get taxis to the airport. Mirna tells her taxi driver, “vamos rápido.” The moms rely on the old faithful, “muy rápido.” Joyce tells her driver, “aeropuerto grande - aeropuerto ... internacional.” The twins keep it short and sweet as one of them tells her driver, “International Airport - rápido.” Let this be a valuable lesson to future racers - learn how to say “very fast” in as many languages as you can before you even sign up.

Brandon is not content, despite the comfort of the nicer bus and already having tickets to St. Petersburg. He and Nicole, true to their history of quickly breaking alliances, are already having second thoughts about their “Friends of Colin” plans. “We wanted to not get caught up in groups,” frets Brandon.

The express bus arrives at 8:03 AM. Brandon and Nicole go with those second thoughts and quickly take off, leaving the others wondering where they went. “We’re definitely gonna try not to let anyone know what we’re doing when we get to the airport,” Brandon says. He and Nicole are the first of Colin’s Friends to catch a taxi.

Charla and Mirna arrive at the airport and run to a ticket counter. Alas, the flight they want is full. They ask to be put on “priority standby.”

The moms and twins have decided to work together. One of the twins later explains, “We love Karen and Linda. They play fair, they play hard, and they’re great people.” Uh-oh. The twins said much the same about Chip and Kim before mayhem ensued between their teams. This does not bode well for the new alliance.

Brandon and Nicole arrive at the airport and head straight to the payphones. Brandon calls his Argentinean travel agent in Bariloche, “This is Brandon. I was with Colin’s group yesterday.” Nicole acts as lookout during the conversation, but no teams spot their secret call. However, a group of nuns descend a nearby escalator as appropriately celestial music plays. Is it a sign? If so, it was too subtle. Nicole doesn’t see them, and ruthlessness wins out. They reserve seats on an earlier British Airways flight.

Meanwhile, Colin and Christie check in. He still thinks he and Christie will be on “the earliest possible flight.” They are flying to St. Petersburg via Sao Paulo, Brazil and Paris.

Kim spots Brandon and Nicole as they walk to another ticket counter. Marshall and Chip head over to investigate. “What’s going on, guys?” asks Marshall. Brandon plays with his hair and stammers slightly as he answers, “He’s checking a spot on British Airways.” The ticket agent shares the good news: they are confirmed on a flight that arrives at 4:15 PM.

Once Brandon and Nicole have left, tickets in hand, the ticket agent shares the bad news: the flight is full. The brothers and Chip and Kim are out of luck.

“We can’t be mad at them,” Kim says, shaking her head. “They’re playing the game.”

“I’m not mad at them,” Lance agrees, “but they’re scumbags.” Chip laughs.

Alleged scumbags Brandon and Nicole are flying to St. Petersburg via Sao Paulo and London. Marshall and Lance and Chip and Kim are flying to St. Petersburg via Madrid and Frankfurt, Germany.

Bob and Joyce have confirmed reservations but not tickets. An Air France ticket agent brings them their bill and Bob discovers they have reserved business class seats. The Amazing Race only allows teams to purchase economy class tickets. Unfortunately, there are no economy class tickets available. “Start thinking positive thoughts,” Bob urges Joyce. She reassures him, “I’m depressed, but I’m not giving up.”

Mirna tells a ticket agent she and Charla “need to go to Russia right now.” She pounds her hand on the counter for emphasis. The woman is unimpressed. “The flight is full,” she informs Mirna. As the cousins run from the counter, Mirna as usual letting Charla trail behind, Mirna repeats, “We have no tickets. We have no tickets.” They wind up with a luggage cart; Mirna pushes it and Charla rides inside. Mirna says, “There’s no flights left. I don’t know what else to do,”

Things seem to be looking up for Bob and Joyce as they finally get tickets, but is their route good enough? They are flying on the same flight as the twins and the moms, from Buenos Aires to Madrid. The twins and moms connect to St. Petersburg through Paris. Bob and Joyce will take a later flight through Frankfurt.

Charla and Mirna are finally able to snag tickets thanks to some last-minute cancellations. They will fly on Lufthansa to St. Petersburg with only one stop, in Frankfurt. This route puts them on the same Frankfurt to St. Petersburg flight as Chip and Kim and the brothers.

Lance spots his least-favourite team at the Frankfurt airport, “That’s, uh, that’s Mirna and Shmirna.”

“Oh my God, look who’s here,” says Mirna, laughing. “Our best buddies are here. We’re so happy now. We’re still in it. We’re ready to rumble in Russia.”

Colin and Christie land in St. Petersburg in first place. Christie seems a bit taken aback by the weather. Russia looks beautiful, but bitterly cold. She might not be all that used to snow – do they get a lot of that in Texas? The couple takes a taxi to the Battleship Aurora. Brandon and Nicole’s plane arrives next. They follow in Colin and Christie’s footsteps and … er … tire prints. Both teams watch some beautiful scenery on their drive to the Battleship Aurora, passing by many enormous, obviously very old and lovely buildings.

NOT EXACTLY THE SHOT HEARD ’ROUND THE WORLD BUT THE DANCING COSSACKS WERE A NICE TOUCH

Battleship Aurora
Thanks to Peter Sobolev for the photo.

(Photo by Peter Sobolev, www.enlight.ru/camera/index_e.htm/ used with permission)

“I think I see it!” chirps Christie from the taxi, when an enormous battleship comes into view. So she states the obvious sometimes. She still gets points for enthusiasm. Once aboard the battleship, they climb many steps to reach the clue box. Christie urges Colin to be cautious on the icy steps. “Block 5 Shots or Drink 1 Shot!” reads Christie incredulously. They have reached a Detour. Phil gets into the details, “In this Detour, teams have to choose between two activities that are particularly Russian.” In Block 5 Shots, teams travel a fairly short distance to a hockey rink, don protective gear, and work together to block 5 slap shots from a team of professional hockey players. Phil continues, “In Drink 1 Shot, teams travel a longer distance to Anichkov Palace where they’ll have to grab a saber and perform a Cossack tradition: balance a shot glass of vodka on the blade of a sword and tilt it so they drink the shot without dropping the glass.”

Christie wants to “do the vodka one,” and Colin agrees. They take a taxi to Anichkov Palace.

Brandon and Nicole laugh when they read the clue. Nicole wants to do the shot task, but he tells her, “I don’t think we should.” She gives it her best shot, trying to talk him into the vodka task, “Brandon, they’re professional hockey players. We’re blocking pucks.” Alas, she fails to convince him. Brandon tells us, “I don’t feel comfortable with drinking vodka. My faith is absolutely the most important thing to me. I want to live a life that’s an example to others.”

Anichkov Palace
Thanks to Peter Sobolev for the photo.

(Photo by Peter Sobolev, www.enlight.ru/camera/index_e.htm , used with permission)

Colin and Christie arrive at Anichkov Palace. It is hard to believe the hockey rink will be as beautiful. They enter a lively ballroom, filled with festive celebrants mostly attired in bright red, black, and white garb, though a few women are wearing bright blue and white dresses. Some men are uniformed; some wear traditional fur hats. Men and women dance, men twirl swords. Fortunately, the men twirling swords are not also really dancing. That could be dangerous, even given their skills. Sabers are lined up on a table, labelled with numbers. Evidently a one-saber-per-person policy will apply.

Colin is first up. The shot glass is placed on the blade and he drinks slowly, keeping his lips on the glass. That would make it harder for the glass to fall. Drinking the vodka slowly would be more difficult than drinking it quickly though, especially if you are not used to it.

“You’re doing great, baby!” Christie tells him. The group claps and cheers his progress. Christie whoops as he finishes. The man in charge of the task seems cool with there being a little bit of vodka left in the glass. This is the kinder, gentler Russia, you see.

Colin coaches Christie as she drinks her shot. She finishes and earns a “Yes! Good job!” He kisses her. The clue is presented to them with a flourish and the crowd cheers its approval. Now that is a task. Christie reads the clue, “Find the Bronze Horseman.” They grab a taxi. Okay, they don’t physically grab the vehicle, but you get the idea. Phil explains that the Bronze Horseman is a monument to Peter the Great, the founder of St. Petersburg. The monument is located in the middle of the city.

The Bronze Horseman
Thanks to Peter Sobolev for the photo.

(Photo by Peter Sobolev, www.enlight.ru/camera/index_e.htm used with permission)

Colin and Christie reach the Bronze Horseman. The next clue instructs them to “Make your way to the Old Tower Restaurant.” Phil lets us know that teams will need to leave St. Petersburg and make their way to the town of Pushkin to get to the restaurant.

At the CKA hockey rink, Nicole protests, “I don’t want to do this. One drink is all we had to do.” Brandon informs her, “Baby, look, we’re committed.” She mumbles something that concludes with “…such an idiot.”

As he skates onto the ice, Brandon gets around to asking Nicole whether she has ever ice-skated. Nicole answers, a bit tartly, “When I was like five.”

She steps onto the ice and promptly falls down. Say what you will about her, the woman has great comedic timing. The ref goes to help her.

“You okay?” Brandon asks. “Shut up,” she snaps. “I don’t want you to even talk to me.”

Once the couple is finally in position at the goal—both standing—Nicole lets Brandon know where he stands with her, “If this hurts, you’re in a lot of trouble.” Brandon and Nicole look well-padded, so they’re in good shape there. But are they any match for professional Russian hockey players? It might help that there are two of them trying to block the goal. I think that is approximately one more goalie than is typically allowed in most professional hockey games.

The first shot gets through. Editing makes it impossible to know whether zero or 100 shots were made before the next shot we are shown really happened. It could, in fact, have even been some number of shots between zero and 100! Oh, those sneaky editors!

“Nice, baby!” yells Brandon as Nicole is the first of the pair to block a shot. The audience—consisting of a dozen or so Russians—applauds her achievement.

Once they have finished and are on their way to the Bronze Horseman, Brandon tells Nicole he feels good about their not choosing the vodka task. However, Nicole is worried that the hockey task “took a lot of time.” There ya go. Editing. His mood is too positive to be shaken, though. After reading the clue at the Bronze Horseman, he asks their cab driver if “we” can find the restaurant. The driver nods. “Awesome!” declares Brandon in a delighted tone.

Charla and Mirna, the brothers, and Chip and Kim finally land in St. Petersburg, and their respective taxis leave the airport in that order. “As usual, we are bringing up the rear,” Chip notes. He and Kim laugh.

THE PRODUCERS COULDN’T THINK OF A ROADBLOCK INVOLVING BALLET OR COSMONAUTS

Colin and Christie arrive at the Old Tower Restaurant in Pushkin. Christie reads the clue with a bit of suspicion in her voice, “Who’s got a taste for the good life?” They have reached a Roadblock. Phil reminds us, “A Roadblock is a task that only one person may perform.” He also clues us in about the particulars of this rather nasty Roadblock in which “that person has to eat one kilogram of caviar. That’s just over two pounds of fish eggs. Once they’re finished eating, the waiter will give them the next clue.”

Colin doesn’t know that he can handle a tough eating task, so Christie agrees to do it. They enter the restaurant. There are a few long tables set up for the Racers. Each is covered by a white tablecloth, with many items atop the cloths, including lit white candles and small containers of flowers in autumn shades. These little touches always make a force-feeding so much more pleasant. Pitchers of water and red juice, along with large loaves of bread await each table of diners, but of course they are not the “main attraction.” Sitting directly in front of each seat is the object of the Roadblock: one kilogram of caviar, in a big glass bowl, which rests inside a glass goblet filled with ice and a few lemon slices.

Christie walks to a table at the back of the small room. “This whole thing?” she asks the waiter, who nods. Still standing, she takes a large spoonful and swallows. Christie seems almost overwhelmed by the taste. She drinks some water. Colin suggests she not try to eat so much at once; she asks him to pour her some juice. She eats another spoonful, followed by a sip of juice. Colin recommends mixing the caviar half-and-half with the juice and drinking it, as Christie swallows another spoonful and almost gags on it.

Colin cannot resist trying to be a problem-solver. “Do you want to try to mix it with the juice? Why don’t you want to try to do that?”

“Because!” Christie snaps. “Just leave me alone!”

He raises both hands in a gesture of concession.

The task soon has her looking well and truly sick, and emotionally devastated.

“It just tastes so bad,” She’s practically in tears.

“I know, honey,” Colin tells her. He advises “taking just a bunch of tiny little bites.” She starts crying. He goes to her, and strokes her hair.

“Oh my God,” she says. At this point, go ahead and remind yourself that The Amazing Race is “the classy unscripted drama.” This is the one you are supposed to not be embarrassed to watch. You would have to remind yourself that the Emmy Award-winning The Amazing Race is the classy unscripted drama because its producers seem to forget every so often. There is nothing remotely classy about this task, there is plenty to be embarrassed about, and it gets worse. How about a time-out to see what the other teams are up to?

Charla and Mirna reach the Battleship Aurora and get their clue. They hear the brothers approaching and for some reason, Mirna tells Charla they have to hide. So they scurry away to read the clue. This does not seem to give them a strategic advantage. Maybe Mirna found room in her bag for a copy of Harriet the Spy and it inspired her, but she didn’t know how to best apply its wisdom to the Race. Both teams tell their drivers to head to Anichkov Palace, but Mirna wavers. “My instinct first told me hockey, but I didn’t want to always be the one deciding what to do.” Charla tells her, “Okay then. I want to do hockey actually. Let’s just go do the hockey.”

Preparing to “do the hockey,” Charla and Mirna don their protective gear while providing colour(ful) commentary. “What the heck is that, a jockstrap?” Mirna wonders. Charla complains that her “ass is too big” for the uniform. She sarcastically adds, “I feel sooo protected.” Heading for the ice, she loudly calls out, “Thanks a lot, Mirna, for not drinking vodka!” Uh, didn’t Mirna leave it to Charla to decide which Detour they would perform? Yes. Yes, she did. Mirna deserves criticism for lots of things she actually does and things she actually says. There is no need to make up stuff to blame her for, Charla!

Once she’s on the ice, Mirna jokes “I give you kisses, you take easy.” Well, not if you make fun of how Russians speak English, they won’t!” Instead, why not just offer to not hug them?

A shot whizzes past Mirna and Charla. “I don’t know what happened there,” Mirna says. Well, Mirna, you didn’t block a shot and therefore it went by you. Pretty simple, really.

Marshall and Lance meanwhile, drink their shots without letting the glasses fall, earning themselves cheers (and a clue) from the Cossacks. Outside the palace, they find a man who says he knows where the Bronze Horseman is. He and his companion offer to show them the way. Lance tells them, “We have to hurry, it’s a race!”

Chip drinks a shot at the palace, his eyes very wide. Kim drinks her shot, and they leave. She tells a taxi driver, “We need to go to the Horseman.” Luckily for them, there is apparently not a pub 30 miles (48.28 km) away by that name. They are soon on their way to the Old Tower Restaurant.

The brothers’ new friends seem to be taking them on a road to nowhere. Lance confronts the man, “Do you know where this is or not? I mean, you gotta be honest with me ’cause this is a race.”

Marshall is trailing behind, and losing his patience. “Lance, how far?” he inquires moodily. Lance replies, “I don’t know, Marshall, I don’t speak the language. He said 10 minutes.” Odd. I don’t speak Russian either, but I understood that “10 minutes” part perfectly.

“Stupid,” says a frustrated Marshall, and believe it or not, he isn’t referring to the “10 minutes” joke. “Don’t walk for miles and miles wasting time when you can jump in a cab and be there in five minutes.”

Charla and Mirna finally finish at the hockey rink, to cheers from the crowd.

The brothers arrive at the Bronze Horseman. The long walk did not help Marshall’s knees any. They wisely opt for a cab for the trip to Pushkin. Lance asks, “Dude, your legs are that bad?” Marshall assures him, “You have no idea the pain I’m in.”

Brandon and Nicole arrive at the restaurant. He is still on a vodka-bad, hockey-fun-high. “You have a taste for the good life, baby,” he insists. He loudly reminds her, “You are Miss Texas!” This comment becomes more intriguing in light of this bit of trivia: When Nicole became Miss Texas USA 2003, among the semi-finalists left in the dust was … Christie. The very same Christie now crying in the Old Tower Restaurant. Brandon could easily have seen the number of clue envelopes left; teams often check that. Maybe he heard Colin and Christie in the restaurant; maybe not. He definitely knew they had a better flight than the other teams. A bit of psychological sabotage from Mr. “I want to live a life that’s an example to others” or just a coincidence? It’s interesting, at any rate, and explains the title of the episode, “Who Says Pageant Girls Don’t Eat?” The episode titles are usually quotes from Racers. This one was probably edited out but for some reason kept as the title. Guess the producers don’t feel too guilty about the task.

Nicole heads to do the Roadblock. She is not thrilled, though her boyfriend assures her, “Baby, it’s caviar; it’ll go like that!” He snaps his fingers. Again with the “Baby.” I’m considering sending them a list of other pet names that they could call each-other from time-to-time.

Nicole sits and questions Christie, “Is it gross?” You would think the tears running down Christie’s face would be a clue. “Yeah,” is the unsurprising answer.

Nicole takes a bite, makes a sound … “Oh, that’s disgusting.” She compares it to “swallowing a giant loogie.”

Christie breaks down again, crying hard, her face in her hand. Colin stands behind her, holding her and speaking to her gently.

Nicole says she’s full. Her bowl of caviar is pretty full too.

“I don’t think anybody’s going to be able to do this,” Brandon tells the others.

“I think everyone’s gonna do it,” Colin asserts. “If you have the motivation to do it, you’re gonna get it done.” He makes eye contact with Christie; she looks miserable.

As Chip and Kim’s taxi heads toward the restaurant, Chip is also talking about matters of motivation, “I want to get to the front of the pack somehow and the way we’re gonna do it is on the Roadblocks.” Interesting. Chip mentioned being at the back of the pack several times this episode; now they show that clip. Phil might as well stroll into view holding a giant sign that reads “Foreshadowing.” Probably cheaper this way, though.

They read the clue together: “Who’s got a taste for the good life?” Kim declares, “You do!” Gee, what a surprise. Kim wants Chip to do a task. Has Kim done anything she didn’t have to do? In this case, though, it’s a smart decision. Maybe it always is, or at least always has been thus far.

“Oh my God, they’re already here,” Colin informs Christie. His voice is quiet, but he’s clearly upset.

“What is that? All of this?” asks Chip, shocked.

“Just eat it fast,” helpfully suggests Kim. “Go!” Those who can’t do, teach?

Chip takes a big bite, followed by a big sip of juice, and repeats both steps.

“Isn’t it nasty?” asks Nicole.

“Oh!” says Chip, making a face. He agrees with her, but he can down that stuff regardless.

“Baby, you gotta just do it,” whispers Colin.

“You make it sound so simple. It’s not simple,” protests Christie.

“You cannot quit.”

Marshall volunteers for the Roadblock and enters boasting that it will take him about 30 seconds. “Watch this,” he brags. He takes a bite and looks like he comes close to spitting it out. “Oh my God.”

The cousins arrive at the restaurant and Charla volunteers to do the Roadblock, noting that she has never eaten caviar. Enjoying new challenges is a good mindset for a Racer.

“Shut up, Charla.” Mirna quietly scolds her, tells her not to say anything else about that. She is apparently still on this weird secretive kick. Shush, if the other teams know you have never had caviar, then … then … bad things would happen. Somehow.

“Oh my God, Mirna and Schmirna are here.” Colin is not pleased.

“I have to eat all of this?” asks Charla, taking a seat beside Marshall.

“Charla, you know it’s delicious,” Mirna reminds her, sticking with her sly Charla-eats-caviar-all-the-time plan. She’s so clever! Some teams probably only just found out Charla does not eat a kilogram of caviar daily when they watched the episode. Imagine how ridiculous they felt that Mirna had fooled them! Yeah, probably not that ridiculous at all. “Dude, I can’t believe how quick you’re getting through that!” says a clearly dazzled Marshall, rethinking his plans for a post-Race all-you-can-eat party. Chip is the first to finish. “Chip’s The Man,” praises Marshall.

Outside the restaurant, Chip reads the final clue for this leg of the Race, “Choose a sleigh outside the restaurant and make your way to the next Pit Stop.”

Chip and Kim are the first to select a horse-drawn sleigh to take them to Catherine’s Palace, a 300-year-old palace Peter the Great had built for his wife. Catherine’s Palace is the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race. The last team to check in will be eliminated.

“We’re number one. We’re number one.” chants an excited Chip.

“You think so?” asks Kim.

“I think so, Booby-Cooper.” Yes, Kim’s nickname is Booby-Cooper. One suddenly gains a whole new appreciation for Brandon and Nicole’s constant use of “Baby.”

Charla, Marshall, Christie, and Nicole are still struggling with the caviar task. Mirna eggs Charla on, “You’re almost done. You’re doing so good.” Nicole watches gloppy eggs drip off her spoon.

Christie apologies to Colin and tells him, “It’s not easy.” His head is resting in his hands; he’s covering his eyes.

“It’s no big deal,” Mirna sing-songs to Charla.

“Oh my God,” Colin says. “I can’t take it. I can’t take that.”

“Delicious … you’re doing so good, Charla. You’re doing so good. She’s the strongest of the women here,” Mirna remarks, looking at Colin.

Colin stares at Mirna with daggers in his eyes. She is in no physical danger, however, because the daggers are metaphorical. “I hate that woman. We’ve got to get out of here. We’ve got to get out of here.” And with that, Christie starts eating. She eats quickly, and finishes the bowl, almost gagging on the last bite.

A couple of people applaud, including Marshall, who tells her, “Good job, good job. Good work.” Christie looks pale and ill. Mirna looks like she wants to make Christie feel worse.

“Concentrate on what you’re doing. Put the damn thing in your mouth. Shove it!” Mirna turns mean again now that she’s not trying to psych out Colin the “Criminal” anymore.

Catherine's Palace
Thanks to Bob Yelavich for the photo.

(Photo by Bob Yelavich, www.yelavich.com/ used with permission)
Chip and Kim’s sleigh approaches an enormous palace. “Is that it?” Kim asks. Duh, Kim. “Yeah,” Chip tells her.

Later reflecting on his new status in the Race, Chip pronounces that being in first place “feels awesome, because right now, I’m the front-runner, baby. I’m no longer bottom-feedin’. Number one is where we need to stay!” Uh-oh, now the viewers are “baby,” too? This baby trend is out of hand!

Nicole is now teary-eyed. “I just feel so sick.” She puts her head in her hands and warns Brandon that she feels like she’s going to pass out. “Baby, it’s okay,” he tells her. Yes, that does sound better than “Booby-Cooper, it’s okay.” She complains of feeling “so dizzy” and lies on the floor, resting her head on one of their bags. Brandon speaks soothingly, “I’m here with you.”

Marshall finishes his caviar; the brothers leave.

Colin and Christie arrive in second place. She looks ill. He looks very upset. He tells us that he wishes he “had chosen to do the Roadblock instead of Christie but I don’t think I would have been able to do that so, in that way she is much stronger than I am.” He tells Phil, “I’m very proud of her.” His voice cracks, and he almost starts to cry.

Charla finishes and the cousins leave. Nicole tells Brandon, “Baby, I don’t know if I can do it.” She moans. Brandon holds a makeshift icebag to her head.

The moms and the twins finally land. One of the twins asks their cabdriver to “beat the other car.” Linda instructs their cabdriver to “Pass ‘em. Pass ‘em.”

Karli clarifies the situation, “We’re friends, and we all get along, but they’re gonna do what they need to do and we’re gonna do what we need to do. The race is on.”

“Marshall and Lance, you’re team number three,” Phil informs them. Lance gives Marshall five and rests his head on his shoulder for a moment in a quarter-hug that might be all Marshall has strength for at the moment.

The twins arrive at the Battleship Aurora first and read their clue. Kami chooses, “1 Shot” and her sister agrees. As they run back toward the cab, Karli notes, “I could use a shot of vodka right now.”

The moms also choose Drink 1 Shot. “Really fast, really fast,” one of them tells their driver. “Beat those girls.”

Bob and Joyce’s plane finally lands. They are, of course, in last place. “Hurry, please,” Bob tells the cabdriver taking them to the Battleship Aurora. They decide to do Block 5 Shots.

Phil tells Charla and Mirna they are team four. “Yay!” cheers Charla. “Thank you, Phil,” says Mirna, and heads toward him. Phil has caught on to her intention to hug him at every Pit Stop. “You’re going to hug me? Oh.” Mirna does not take kindly to that sort of backtalk. She throws in a kiss (on the cheek).

The twins and the moms do Drink 1 Shot at about the same time, but the twins finish first. They jump up and down and clap as their clue is presented to them.

Joyce is spunky at the hockey rink. “C’mon, give it your best shot!” she tells the hockey players, who might or might not speak English. Once they have finished and they’re leaving the rink, she grins, pumps her fist and waves her arms in a goofy triumphant gesture for the applauding crowd. Bob waves to the crowd and bows as he runs by. He’s no Joyce, but he’s cute too.

“The twins are ahead of us,” Karen notes as both cabs head to the Old Tower Restaurant. The twins and moms are unsure whether Bob and Joyce are behind them. They are, but Bob thinks they might still have a chance.

At Brandon’s encouragement, Nicole sits up and has a drink. He suggests she try the caviar again. “You can do it, babe,” he tells her. Nicole’s hand is shaking as she holds the spoon. Such a difficult moment was probably not the appropriate time to introduce a new pet name, even if it was just a slight variation of their standard one. It doesn’t throw her off though; she keeps eating.

Brandon pleads, “Come on, Lord, help her.” Then he addresses Nicole, “You’re gonna do it.” He starts clapping. “Don’t stop, don’t stop. You’re so close. You’re doing great, babe. Just punish that! We are at the goal line.” Good idea, Brandon. Remind her of the hockey task she hated. She sips more water after another bite of the dreaded caviar and shudders. Is it the caviar? Is it being reminded of Block 5 Shots? Or is it Brandon calling her “babe” instead of “baby”? We may never know. But it’s probably the caviar.

Nicole finishes and in his excitement Brandon turns into a comedian, “Alright, are we done? Can we get a check?” I did not say he turned into a good comedian. They don’t get a laugh, but they do get a clue.

Nicole even thanks the waiter. The meal had her lying on the floor in agony, yet she still manages to be polite. She may not be the strongest woman there—or at least not the woman with the strongest stomach—but she probably is not the rudest woman in the Race either.

In the sleigh, Nicole watches the beautiful scenery until Brandon tells her, “I love you.” Then she turns to face him, beaming. She echoes the words back to him. They kiss. They are team number five. Nicole grins, and they hug.

Nicole tells us, “Brandon is so supportive. I’m starting to see now that our relationship really lifts me up and I’m really fortunate to have Brandon as my partner.” This experience should teach her a lot about what kind of husband he would make. In a typical marriage whenever a woman is going through a rough time, her husband may wind up with $500,000 if he does a good job of helping her through it.

Karli eats her caviar with bread. That might make it go down easier in the short term, but it will also make her feel full faster. She is having a rough time of it already, shaking and looking sick. Kami speaks to her calmly, tries to reassure her. Linda is the designated eater for the moms. Karen tells her, about Karli, “She’s really struggling. You’re almost done, Linda. You’re so there.” Kami tells her sister, “If I could do this for you, I would. I swear to God, I would.”

Linda finishes. “We beat the twins in an eating contest. Imagine that!” Karen enthuses in the sleigh. Oh sure, it’s “we,” is it, Karen? I didn’t see Karen putting any of those foul fish eggs in her mouth! Linda and Karen arrive at the Pit Stop in sixth place. They shriek and hug, as is their way.

Kami urges Karli to finish, “You gotta get it down. Time is of the essence.” Karli shakes her head, not in response to Kami, but in reaction to the taste of the alleged delicacy.

Bob and Joyce are still in their taxi. He either still feels hopeful or is trying to keep her spirits up. He tells her, “We’re making good time here. I’m feeling really good now and I think we’re going to catch up.” “I hope you’re right,” she replies.

Meanwhile, Karli is finishing up. “Eat that spoonful and we’re probably good,” Kami guesses. And they are. They’re off.

Karli looks up only long enough to hear that they are team number seven. She mostly stays still, and quiet, her arms wrapped around herself. This is exciting television, watching people force-fed to the point of having their spirit sucked out of them.

Joyce volunteers to handle the Roadblock. Knowing every other team has already arrived at the Pit Stop makes it all the more painful to watch her eat the caviar. Bob holds her as she eats and asks her how it is. “Salty,” she answers.

Bob and Joyce each share thoughts about the other and their relationship, via voiceover, as Joyce completes the Roadblock, and they ride in the sleigh to the Pit Stop.

Bob tells us, “Finding a second love is an opportunity that few folks get. Joyce and I got that opportunity. It’s been wonderful. It’s something that we are truly blessed with.”

“You’re the most amazing person I ever met.” Bob gives Joyce a kiss on the cheek in addition to the compliment.

Joyce says, “Bob gives me understanding, patience, solidness. Bob completes me.”

In the sleigh, Bob remarks, “This is fun. You ever have a sleigh ride?” She hasn’t. She looks a bit ill. He holds her. The chitchat seems to be intended to distract her, and make her feel better. Bob says, “Yeah, me either. This should be smooth.”

Joyce tells us, “For a long time, I thought I was going to be alone in the world, and every day I get up thanking God that I met Bob. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.”

Killjoy Phil delivers the bad news: Bob and Joyce are the last team and “you’ve both been eliminated from the race.” Both? Like they might have thought it was possible for one of them to continue without the other? Somehow I don’t think Bob or Joyce would have considered doing that.

The elimination does not come as a surprise. “That’s okay. That’s okay. We gave it a good run,” Joyce says. Bob kisses her and they hug.

Looking back, Bob tells us, “I’m so proud of her. Joyce is my second chance. She builds me up every day. She is the rest of my life to me.”

They kiss again, and Joyce smiles. Darn them, such nice people, so in love and happy together. All sweetness and light. Trying to make it hard to make snarky comments about them. Good riddance!

Next week, everyone’s falling for international travel! Linda falls. One of the twins drops. Marshall’s legs are still bothering him … close enough. Brandon and Nicole nauseate presumably innocent fellow train riders with their lovey-doveyness. Charla descends into an underground tomb. She is wearing a safety harness and tons of associated gear. Mirna calls down, “Charla are you okay?” and the camera pans down to emptiness. And silence. Yeah, right. Charla is dead. Next week: the first person ever to die during The Amazing Race. And she will somehow manage it while attached to miles of safety gear.

Route Markers for Episode 4: Argentina: Bahia López, San Carlos de Bariloche – Pit Stop #3 → Buenos Aires → Russia: St. Petersburg → Battleship Aurora → Detour (Block 5 Shots or Drink 1 Shot) → The Bronze Horseman → Pushkin → The Old Tower Restaurant → Roadblock → Catherine’s Palace – Pit Stop #4

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